#btw i'm not AT ALL saying neurodivergent people shouldn't have children like that is NOT my point. let that be clear

[gorelesbian]

was discussing children with my friends and one friend goes "we'd probably adopt cause with our genes we'd 100% pass down adhd or autism to the poor kid" and another friend goes "and? that's not so bad is it?" queen you have no fucking clue. i'd rather shoot myself in the head right now than doom an innocent child with my disordered genes

[rorywritesjunk]

!! Vent !!

I'm so sorry btw. Just needed to bring it all up.

Sometimes I just sit and think about the fact my brother was born about a month after I turned 12

(Jan. 15th and Feb. 23)

At first, it was just helping here and there. Still everyday. But I could get into bed on school nights (which instead of sleeping was me time mostly because yk)

Slowly he became my full responsibility. At like 13-14 I was accused of being on drugs. I wasn't doing 🍃 at the time.

So my mom goes through my entire room, finds nothing.

What was really going on? I was just tired. No mom, my eyes aren't red from 🍃, it's because you just woke me up. I mean, sure, I was laying on laundry in the bathroom.. But come on! Give a girl a break. I was TIRED.

when COVID hit, it was full time. 24/7. So since I was home, I was taking care of my dad's mom and my brother. While trying to keep up with school work and zoom classes. To say I did horribly..

But by the end of that school year my mom pulled me out of that school and put me in homeschooling.

So. That's great. I guess I could say I have experience in childcare. Not that I ever want to work with children.

I'm undiagnosed, I know that. With what? Probably a lot of shit.

My brother is ADHD/autistic we believe (not hard to see it) and I have to be the one watching him every day?

Who thinks it's a good idea for a holding-on-by-a-thread neurodivergent adult to take care of a equally neurodivergent child?

My mom apparently.

And she still gets pissed when I don't finish something or do something.

I'm simply just tired. So tired.

One day I know I'll get to leave, go stay with my girlfriend. Or my aunt. Whichever comes first. I know it will get better. I just have to keep going. I know I'm likely burned out but I don't have much of a choice. I still have a child who relies on me.

And you know what? My mother calls me so many different fucking names. Yells. (Which, I WILL cry whenever someone raises their voice at me.)

I'm a bitch if I get an attitude.

I'm a bully if I'm not nice to my brother.

I'm stupid and ignorant if I don't understand something. Which, I'm now too scared too ask for someone to repeat something or to ask for help. Because I should know how to do the thing already apparently.

I'm a liar when I say I don't like ground meat because of its texture. Because I've ate it before. Or, when I say I'm going to the bathroom but my brother doesn't want me to leave. And I go to the bathroom, but then I go sit in my room.

And *oh* the disappointed and disapproving look my mom has given me as she passes my room after I refused to cuddle with my brother saying "it would have only taken only ten minutes and he would have went to sleep"

context: My brother will ask to cuddle when he's tired. And if you allow him to curl up he'll likely fall asleep within 10-30mins.

More context: SA has made me VERY uncomfortable with just about anyone touching me. Sometimes I can't mentally or physically handle anyone touching me AT ALL. and it got really bad so I was turning down my brother a lot. And yeah, I feel fucking shitty. I love that kid.

But I need space sometimes.

And often these things linger in my head. It gnaws. It's always there. I randomly cry at night because of the amount of fucking shit my family has put me through.

Sometimes I feel like I'm actually a really bad person. That I am these things I'm called.

Then I remember. I video things I do sometimes. While chatting with the people I'm closest to. I talk through my process. I can stay on track. It's a lot more fun.

Also I started this really upset and um lost what I was saying. But um that's actually a lot I wrote, I'm sorry.

Peace out

—🍃🍄💫🌾

Wow.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that. Children shouldn't be raising children at all. I've heard and seen so many parents do that to older kids, make them in charge of their younger siblings, take care of them, see to their needs, everything. It shouldn't happen.

I'm betting your mom is around my age so I'm ready to throw down.

And please know you having boundaries with your family, especially your little brother, is fine. He needs to learn that sometimes you need your own personal time, as does your mom, because you're a human and not an in-home babysitter.

Ugh. 🧡 I'm sorry you've been dealing with this. I'm going it looks up soon for you!

[celestialautifutch]

I debated commenting on this because I don't want the person to feel like I was attacking them (same reason I cut the username out) but this mindset is also a problem. As stated above, some men do expect their partners to do all the housework, but this comment points out another issue men face, which is the assumption that men either cannot be neurodivergent or, if they are, it shouldn't impact them in the way it does for most of us. Couple that with the above issues of men not getting support that they need, even from the people who claim to love them most, and you've got a guy who's struggling and has no idea how to get help.

Some of the things people point to as "signs of weaponized incompetence" are very common traits of different neurodivergences.

Struggles to start tasks? Doesn't know where to start? Doesn't know how to do it unless told how someone wants it done? Doesn't see mess or clutter? Struggles to regulate emotions? Losing track of time? Getting fixated on one "unimportant" thing he enjoys for hours on end while not doing things that need to get done around the house? Struggles with decision-making? Poor memory? Doesn't know how to ask for help? Doesn't even know what kind of help to ask for? These are all things that fit into multiple neurodivergences, but you could pull these right off a "common signs of adult adhd" list. (And I'll be focusing my input on adhd specifically, but I see them in my autism as well)

I'm in an ADHD group on fb that is primarily women, and I can't tell you how often women talk about their internal struggles with all of these things, how awful they feel, how their partner doesn't understand and makes them feel worse, but always always there are hundreds of women responding with "I'm sorry your husband wasn't more understanding and didn't take the time to learn about how ADHD impacts you."

Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people in this world who don't give a fuck about adhd, especially when it comes to adults, people of color, and women, but we want people to learn and be understanding and try to find the person some support for themself, their relationship, managing tasks, etc. I've never once seen a man get the same treatment. Hell, I've seen women in this group talk about issues with their husband, clarify that he also has adhd, and commenters still saying that he needs to "just get his shit together, you aren't his mother."

We act like (white) men get so much help with adhd, particularly if they were diagnosed as a kid, when really all most of them got was a prescription that their parents refused to give them and "just try/focus harder" from parents and teaches. I met a lot of boys/men with adhd in my life, and moving into adulthood they struggle just as much with it as the rest of us, but it gets completely written off. My 32 year old brother went to therapy for the first time, got diagnosed with adhd shortly after (I've been telling him for years he should get assessed, but his wonder wife kept telling him that he was just lazy and stupid - oh btw she's a grad student for special ed 🙃) and finally realized why things that everyone seemed to have no problem with were so hard for him. How many more men are in this exact situation? How many of them are getting understanding and support from their partners? How many of them are just getting slapped with the lazy, useless label? How many of them are treated like children? Like burdens?

Contrary to what a lot of people (including medical professions, big yikes) believe, adhd doesn't go away with time. Adhd boys become adhd men and still need support. And considering the point of this post, most neurodivergent men aren't going to disclose that (if they're aware of it) right off the bat unless they trust the women in their lives. Those women need to first show that his emotions and struggles are safe with her, just as he needs to do with hers.

And yeah, sometimes he is just being a shit, but going into it with that mindset, that every man having these issues is just lazy, doesn't help anyone.

Not to get personal, but these tags are exactly what I heard in my household growing up and it's a mindset that traumatizes ND folks. Let's drop the 'one time should be enough' mindset.

is he “trauma dumping” on you or have you just not unpacked what the patriarchy has taught you outside of “woman bad” and you think men expressing any kind of emotion or vulnerability is bad actually.